Dating is Easy, Opening Up is Hard

A 52 First Dates Extra Date

Sorry about the two week break! My little brother was in town, which wasn’t a great situation for dating. And I started my period. And then I also was just really tired. 2 months into the year, 7 dates. I’m not too far behind! Also, I’ll be real: I like someone. People asked about this. They warned about this. They said, “Ashley, what if you meet someone you really like?” And I thought, well whatever. I’m polyamorous, they’ll know that and understand I’m going to keep dating.

What I didn’t take into account is how goddamn tiring the whole getting-to-know-someone stuff is. It’s early stages of mutual interest: when their texts still make you smile, the sex leaves you all in a spinny tizzy, you sit around getting to know each other; saying shit like “this is how I eat Reese’s cups.” Who cares? How embarrassing to be sharing this with another person. No one else ever needs to know how I eat candy, but here we are sharing.

I think this is also the scariest part of the whole dating experience. Everything is overwhelming and new and exciting and you miss red flags. If you’re someone who really has to pay attention to your intuition, it’s easy to get distracted. Things can move too fast, it’s a whirlwind! I’ve been caught in many a whirlwind and now my heart and intentions are buried deep in an underground storm shelter.

I am not getting knocked around. This person is being nice to me and maybe it’s too nice. They’re showing interest and maybe it’s just an act. They came to one of my stand-up shows, but, honestly, I am very funny. Over the past two years, I’ve pretty quickly weeded out any relationship that’s escalated to this level. Nine times out of ten, something is wrong and all you can hope is that you get a good joke out of it. When I start to feel like I might want to rely on someone? My skin starts to itch.

I wanna change things up, go outside and get some fresh air (ghost), go back to being by myself. Not this time though! If the whole point of this project is to give new people and experiences a shot, then I need to sit this through. Sure, I’m afraid it’ll play out like so many messes before, but all I can do is see where it goes. In my career and every day life, I’m happy to let things go with the flow. I’ve never had a one year, 5 year or any year plan. The life I have now is something I never thought I’d end up doing.

If I can face that fearlessly, then whatever I’ve stumbled upon now should be easy. Yes, it gives me that sinking stomach feeling where you can’t tell if it’s butterflies or every part of you yelling to run, but I’m trying to see this as the fun part now. There’s a Mad Men quote (of course) where Dr. Faye says to Don Draper: “You only like the beginnings of things.” The moment I heard that line, it hit with me. I love the beginnings of things. They’re so bright and full of promise. I’m excited to see if I might like the middle and end of something too.

Don’t worry, though, I’ll still be dating! I even downloaded more apps to mix and match with people. I’m not trying to spin out of control over here, please. Chispa, BLK, Her, Zoe, Bloom and Match are on my phone and ready to go. I have taken some time to rest (show someone my favorite episode of Dark Side of the Ring during a rainstorm, ew) and now I look back at the streets.

Seeing someone I like has only given me a better understanding of how I want to be treated and how I expect my partners to approach me. Lauryn Hill said it can all be so simple and she was right, it can be! Positive affirmations come and it doesn’t feel like pulling teeth. Plans are made, checked in on and kept. I don’t feel like I’m constantly repeating myself to get this person to hear or remember anything I’m saying. I forgot how simple it can be to return the energy someone is giving you when they have good energy! I did meet this person on Feeld, so that probably helped with us being on the same page when it came to communication and polyamory.

March is here and I feel all the corny optimism spring promises. Romance is exciting again and that was one of the goals I had doing this whole thing, so that’s good? Stay tuned to see if it starts to suck!