Dates #4, #5 and #6

Absolute apathy can actually be a great tool when dating

Hey! Thought I finally gave up on this? Thought a man I rejected murdered me? No! I just stacked up some dates and then went into hibernation mode because I got my period. And I know, you’re like, “Ashley, you’re a modern woman, a feminist, what’s wrong with dating on your period or period sex?” Well, nothing! It’s just that I personally have endometriosis, so physical movement is rare during this time. I stay home with a heating pad and do my best to love my body even though it feels like it is actively stabbing me in the gut.

Anyway, I knew I’d be out of commission, so I used the previous week to pile up on coffee dates and drinks. As I mentioned, I built up some enthusiasm doing this, but it quickly faded. I’m tired. If I get one more notification from a dating app, I will lose it. These three dates, however, were the best you can hope for in the modern dating era: they were fast. The first date (Hinge) invited me for a drink at the restaurant he works at. This is a baller move that I absolutely respect. He used his employee discount and we talked about all the TV shows we both like. Perfectly fine conversation! Then I had to leave to go do a show!

Date #5 (Feeld) was the next day at a coffee shop. I was terrified of this date because, as I approached, I realized the person I was meeting up with was playing a bass guitar outside at a table. Not like, as an entertainer, just a person practicing their bass without an amp at a table outside. Maybe that sounds judgmental! That’s what I said to myself as I grabbed my own coffee and thought, maybe there’s someone else here wearing the exact outfit the person playing bass described to me. As the Ashley who is trying to give people a chance and open myself up to new emotional connections? I decided to stick around and give it a shot. And it was also fine! We had some things in common! We had some laughs!

One thing about being an interviewer and host, is that I’m pretty good on a date with anyone. I know how to ask questions and keep a conversation going. Even if I know I don’t like someone romantically, we’ll at least have a pretty good time just hanging. I guess, what I’m saying, is that I’m a good hang. Which is what was necessary for Date #6 (Hinge). Look, this one was my fault. I don’t really date people who are younger than me. I don’t know why! I just never really have. Dating people my age is something I only started doing in my 30s. I’m pretty used to going 5-10 years older, I guess. I thought I set my preferences that way, so when I matched with someone and casually scanned their profile, I thought it said 35. On the date, he said he was 24. I read the profile again, it says that: this is on me.

And still, it was a perfectly fine hang! We got drinks and he drove me home. A quick date that made it clear neither of us was feeling it, no harm no foul, see ya around! I gave people a chance and the person I was most weary of (Outside Player of Bass) was the only one who asked for a second date. I’ve decided to go with it, even though I think it’s that thing where someone asks really interested and texts you a lot then loses all interest once you actually have sex. There was a tweet that called this something like “the honeymoon period” of talking/going out. It’s two weeks that’s all good morning texts and “how’s your fine ass?”

I think a lot of people like this, but I find it to be totally unnecessary. In fact, I’m happy to have sex on a first date just so I don’t have to deal with you sending me Tiktoks and asking what I had for dinner for multiple days. It just feels so performative. Sure, if we’ve been hanging out for a few weeks and we find a natural text-rhythm, I love it. But sending me, “just thinking of you” texts when you have met me once because you wanna smash? Please don’t. It’s also pretty easy to tell when the interest is genuine and when it’s purely sexual. Forcing myself to date so much has sharpened my bullshit detector once again and it’s been great.

I’ve started to approach all of these dates with surgical ambivalence. It makes it easier to give people a chance or move on if it doesn’t work. Every date doesn’t need to feel like an opportunity to meet my soulmate. It can just be a nice conversation over a discounted glass of wine that I probably forget in a year. This has made the whole task a lot less exhausting.

Hmm, any other interesting things I learned over the last two weeks of dating? I got on Bumble! It’s not as bad as I thought! I also remembered to log back into Lex, so I’m replying to people! I matched with someone on Feeld, then matched with them on Bumble then ran into them in person and they were like, “well if you match with someone on Feeld, you know they’re down for a certain level of weirdness and Bumble isn’t like that, but I saw you on Feeld first so that takes priority” I thought that was an interesting way of saying, “I met you on Feeld so I’ll treat you like a slut, but if we’d met on Bumble first, I would’ve felt a need to buy you a coffee.” Keep that in mind I guess!