Date #7: Good Things Come To Those Who Go Out Late

For Feeld nighttime is the right time

We have another Feeld date everyone! This is my 2nd Feeld date since starting this, but this one was more the usual speed of how Feeld goes. Honestly, getting coffee with the last Feeld date might’ve been the first time I’ve ever done that. Who can remember? I’ve been on Feeld since it was 3ndr. I have made some of my best friends and greatest enemies thanks to that app. For someone like me, Feeld dates are usually great! It’s the app I recommend most to people who want to try non-monogamy or any other thing they might wanna explore.

If you’re unfamiliar, Feeld started as an app for unicorn-hunting couples (3ndr). Then it evolved (and got sued into changing its name) into an an app for queers, open marriages, non-monogamous demisexuals, fetishists and just straight up kinky people who know how to communicate. And also a lot who do NOT know how to communicate (it’s still a dating app). At its core, though, it’s an app for people who do not need me to define what any of those words mean. Tinder, Bumble, Hinge…it requires so much Polyamory 101 moments that it can be tiring.

Going out with people who are more likely to know what I mean when I ask, “Do you have a primary?” on a first date puts me at ease. But, like I said a few weeks ago, there’s this weird thing that comes with Feeld where (mostly) cis men and couples assume you just want sex or things need to be explicitly sex-focused. That’s not true! Most people on there are just regular ENM people adding to their rotation. Like one guy told me: he treats women from Feeld differently than women from Bumble or Hinge. It’s digital slut-shaming! And I hate it!

You learn to look out for the red flags on these apps: they ask you to hang immediately or only late at night, they’re telling you their kinks before they even ask what you’re looking for, or, well, they send you a dick pic right off the bat. Just walk away (unless that’s what you’re looking for atm, then go for it, my friend). In this case, this person and I texted for a few weeks before finally finding a time when we could hang. I do not usually do this! When my friends told me they regularly text people for weeks before actually going out, I decided to give it a try. Otherwise, I kind of just….stop replying and forget (I don’t save phone numbers).

He didn’t raise any red flags until he kept insisting that we meet at 10:30 or 11 pm because he gets off work late. Hey, I’m a comic, I get it! I work late! It’s just that this move is most often used in a, “Well, it’s so late, I can only do one drink…back to my place?”-way that raises an alarm for me. When he pushed the date to 11:30, I got even more suspicious, but I also didn’t mind because it gave me more time to sit around at home and smoke pot. I let my guard down and decided to see where things would go.

I left my cozy, wonderful, delicious home, went out into the cold and drove 5 minutes to 4100 (my favorite bars in LA are any bar where I can drink and…smoke pot). We hangout, we drink, talk and it’s great! They’ve been ENM for awhile and get where I’m coming from! I don’t usually date people younger than me, but I don’t even flinch when he finally reveals that he’s 25 because he was more aware of communicative language than full grown forty yos I’ve dated. And there was no weird pressure to make things about sex, just someone who knew that’s not what it’s all about.

In my book, that’s a win for Feeld! I met someone I’d see again and we had fun! Yes, I was exhausted the next day, but I have a weird schedule too. But look at me, letting my guard down and actually giving people a chance even if it means I have to wait until the next day to watch Abbott Elementary. I have a bit of renewed faith and I’m actually excited for some of the Lex and Bumble dates I have coming up (yes, I am remembering to use them finally).

What did I learn? If you park at the Jiffy Lube to go to 4100 now, they WILL tow your car. Mine didn’t get towed, but they put up a lot of new signs and, well, I always used to do that all the time. One of the first pieces of advice a trusted friend gave me when I moved to LA was park wherever. I might not take risks with dating, but I do with parking laws. I didn’t get towed, I had a good time, life is great? Dating doesn’t have to be miserable if you’re discerning? Coming out of my cage, baby!