Date #1: Dating in My Comfort Zone

Do you give off "Fucks on the First Date" vibes?

I’m doing this project because I’ve had the hardest time forcing myself to get out into the world since the pandemic. I’m happy! Life is great! I saw that tiktok where the guy is like “I think I healed too much cuz…I don’t like anyone,” laughed and went “same.” But, true healing is when you look at the world and the people in it with openness and optimism, right? I guess. I am trying. Just like, not too hard.

For my first date, I played it very casual. I tried scheduling and arranging a date for the week, but that was pretty difficult. Usually, I use dating apps the way most people do: chat a bit and let’s hook up TONIGHT. I’m not looking for midnight apartment visits, though. I want real dates! Like the great Meredith Grey said: I want heat, romance. Let’s grab a coffee or a drink. Let’s see a movie or go dance. These are things that require planning.

There’s also, apparently, a new phenomenon where men are terrified of spending time or money on a woman they may not sleep with. As soon as I said, “Wanna grab a drink?” a slew of men were triggered by the memory of the last woman they bought a vodka tonic who then didn’t touch their dick. I don’t even mind going dutch on first dates, especially since we might not like each other. But I’ve never seen so many people at the app-stage jump straight to “SEE, THAT’S JUST LIKE YOU WOMEN! YOU JUST WANT A FREE MEAL AND DRINK!” Calm down, buddy, no one is trying to use you for a $7 happy hour red wine.

Hell, I don’t even mind a “let’s hang at the park and smoke weed for free”-type date! But even then, I was bombarded with men telling me I had to throw down my own weed because they would not smoke me up and they were tired of women using them for weed. Because, I guess in the city of Los Angeles, women have a hard time finding weed on their own? Either way, I certainly have no problem getting my own weed. Maybe it’s a fear of city girl-culture, but men who make minimum wage worrying that women are using them for 4 hits off their baby-sized blunt is sad. I don’t see this with women, non-binary people or anyone else I date across the rainbow, so get it together cis men.

Once I navigated through those waters, I matched with someone on Tinder who seemed pretty normal. Tinder, surprising I know! It’s been years since I actually went on a Tinder date. It’s mostly the app that uncles use now. He mentioned he was going to a comedy show that night and, well, what do you know? It happened to be the show I was performing on that night! Look, this is absolutely a benefit I get as a dating performer. I am allowed to combine my job and dates. Does it make it easier for me? Absolutely. It is 100% within my comfort zone and I don’t have to do much. I immediately come off as charming and impressive when I bring a date backstage and they get to hang with comics.

Frankly, I use this tactic a lot. It let’s me check out on dates, which is something I need to stop doing. And I will! As I get better at dating again! But, hey, if someone is impressed that I’m on a show with a secondary character from the 2014 movie Unfriended, why not use that to my benefit? I love dating without being perceived.

I told him we could meet up after the show, grab a drink and that would count as a first date. I brought them backstage and let a room full of comics who love attention do the work that I did not feel like doing (conversating). Eventually, everyone left and the two of us were alone to actually get to know each other. We had enough in common to make a conversation happen, but at this point it was clear he was interested in sex and I was interested in the leftover pizza back at my house. He started doing the leg-touching and leaning in close thing and I politely explained that I was tired, but could offer a ride home.

I was a little surprised that he wanted to have sex on the first date when I’d made no indication that I was down for that! A friend told me that I might have “Fuck on the First Date” vibes, which, I mean…sure. But in this project, sex isn’t a focus. I have plenty of good sex and the odds of someone on a first date hitting it right are low. I’m not trying to have bad sex 52 times. I think the majority of people out there right now feel like they have to play sex-catch up. Whether it’s because of Covid isolation or getting a late start on their sex/dating life, there’s a sort of clunkiness in dating culture. People who, like me, are just discovering or re-discovering the steps to charm.

I dropped him off, we kissed, he left. Would I see him again? Probably. Did I learn anything illuminating about the human condition? Probably that I should be less lazy and actually put myself forward rather than hiding behind what I do. Which, well, is really just a personal lesson. On my next date? Maybe I’ll truly challenge myself and have a one-on-one conversation with someone for a full night.